so i severed my life in one half remained unchanged: i was still mostly amiable, quiet, and hardworking. some of my closer friends may have noticed that i wasn't around as much. i wasn't as visible

two but the other half of me began to explore -- bars, books, personals. places the other side of me still made fun of. places the other side was terrified of. the aim of this explortion was of course, the undiscovered country of sex. the pleasures i found there were fulsome, yet i still found it hard to see myself doing the things i so enjoyed doing.

then one day my closet collapsed: a gay friend had asked me to lunch with another friend. i guess you could say they were past the point of needing to pass. at the restauraunt, the waitress seated me next to some friends i had gone to college with. they said hello. but not much else. these straight friends never looked at me the same again, in fact they never called me again either. maybe i was supposed to feel exhilerated or angry, to be unwittingly "outed" by a waitress. instead i just felt like i had totally disappeared.