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Farewell to Reverend Buford Barbee, Combat Spiritualist
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The Christian Action Network (CAN) announced with deep sadness the untimely death of the Reverend Buford Barbee, Combat Spiritualist. Best remembered for his roman à clef, "Jesus and Puff, Friends From on High," the Reverend had many other accomplishments in a life full of highs. Friends will remember the wonderful picture of "Bubba," as he liked to be called, with Bible in hand, standing on the parapets of Khe Sanh exhorting the faithful to destroy the Godless. After he recovered from his many wounds he was heard to remark, "I like those yellow race boys, but they have no sense of humor." When he returned to CONUS, as he often intoned, he started the Silver Tears for Christ Ministry. For the next 20 years, the Reverend was a familiar sight in the parking lot of VA hospitals as he exhorted the faithful to thank the Lord and the VA for the goodness that they were about to receive. Mrs. Abigail Brown, the driver of the Buick that crushed the Reverend against the door of the Outpatient Clinic, said, "I just lost my husband and my benefits after taking care of that smoking, beer swilling, abusive twit for 25 years and some dork tells me to be like Ruth! Not today...." We will miss the Reverend, but he goes to his just reward. |
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Di-Di Dies in Da Lat Zoo
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| The Free Peoples of Viet Nam Radio announced recently that Di-Di the Rock Macaque died in his cage in Da Lat. Di-Di was found as a young monkey with over a thousand bullet holes in his body. He was nursed back to health and given a place of honor as a fighter in the resistance against American imperialism. His handlers would delight in shouting, "I think I hear something!" and watching Di-Di cower in the corner of his cage. They wouldn't even make the shooting sound any more. Di-Di was most active at night but could be brought out of his cage by simulating the sound of a PRC-25 being keyed. The People's Zoo Of Damaged Animals (As A Result Of American Aggression) will miss him. To honor him further, Di Di wasn't buried but was eaten at a state banquet held in honor of a visiting group of Concerned Physicians. |
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Brad Dorn Passes On
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Colt Industries and the U.S. Army issued a joint press release noting with concern the passing of Brad Dorn of Colt Industries. Mr. Dorn will be remembered as the Colt spokesman who put to rest the speculation regarding the reason that so many soldiers and marines were dying with a cleaning rod stuck in their rifle bore. Dorn quashed the rumor that the malfunction was caused by a design flaw: "God don't make no junk and neither does Colt." And that was that. LTC Bishley of the U.S. Army, who was on the original Army design team--Bishley is now working for Weptronics Amalgamated--had to concur: "God told us that chroming any of those parts was unnecessary and damned expensive as well." Mr. Dorn's widow was given a chromed cleaning rod mounted on a handsome plywood plaque. She was overwhelmed with emotion and had to be carried off the podium. The Army band played on.... |
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John Bradford Hit By Garbage Truck
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| John Bradford, ex-Marine, town drunk, Viet Nam veteran, and social irritant, died today in the emergency room of the Bismark memorial hospital. He died of injuries sustained when he was hit by an early morning garbage truck on its way to the dump. "I didn't see him. He moved just like a shadow--so quick, so quiet," said Ernest Tubman, driver of the truck. Dr. Roland Cardiff, spokesman for the Bismark regional hospital, stated, "When we got him in, we could see he was huring, but he wouldn't let us take off his old flight suit. Torn, dirty, and discolored, he kept clutching at it as if it was his life. We tried to cut it off, but he kept thrashing, flailing at the staff, and calling us all these names. When he died we cut the suit off and his body was in surprisingly good shape. The autopsy will, I am sure, show massive internal injuries. If he would have only parted with that suit!" |
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