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FUNGRADES
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Weptronics announces the first of its line of Christmas toys. The FUNGRADE is an exact replica of the M-26 hand grenade-- exact in every detail, save two. For most of our FUNGRADES, when you toss them in the midst of your gathering of vets, you will be treated to our new MEGASOUND technology. You will hear the striker go home, the spoon fly into the air, and the determined buzz of the 7-second fuse, and then our patented Android Voice will boom out the message of your choice: "Take that, assholes!" or "Fooled you!" or that all-time favorite, "Are those baggies you are wearing, Fred?"
There is more, though-- so much more... Those funsters at Weptronics just couldn't leave well enough alone. One out of every 100 FUNGRADES is "hot." Even you overpaid EOD types know what that means. Yes... Yes... one out of 100 has that 3/4 oz. of comp 'B' and 26,000 pieces of shrapnel.
Imagine the fun when you really do clean out a room. Officers... remember those pesky Project 100,000 troops? Always sullen, always questioning your authority, always needing to be retrained? At their next reunion, roll one of these puppies into the room. Watch the 1,000-yard-stares focus. After all, didn't they always threaten you with the same thing? Turn about is fair play.
Troopies... tired of going to unit reunions and having the officers and noncoms treating you like their shit don't stink? Find out if it really does. Drop a FUNGRADE into the punch bowl and watch those smug faces tighten up with the realization of impending doom. Better yet, throw yourself on the FUNGRADE and get the medal you always deserved. Hurry! Supplies are limited and the demand is sure to be great. Buy a hundred and be sure! |
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Map to the Stars
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| You know how it is, sitting around the VFW bar, sucking up Black Label, telling stories about "your" war.... Up comes the memory of that General who made you capture that meaningless piece of real estate, the time that Bobby Ray took one between the running lights, the moment when your whole life changed... or that policymaker in the rear whose policies made you take it in the rear. What ever happened to them? "If I could just get my hands on [fill in the blank], I would make sure they paid.... Paid, just like I paid; paid good."
Now it is possible, through the magic of computer technology and the help of some amoral hackers! MAP OF THE POLICY STARS--a new product by Weptronics Amalgamated's Witherthou Division--is now available! For the first time you can get a map of the current residence of your favorite policymaker, along with a short biography. You can take a Sunday drive and see where he lives (that is, if they will let your broken-down Chevy in the neighborhood). See how successful his life has been since you saw him last. See his kids go off to private school or see them return from a weekend in Paris, all the while remembering the broken-down public schools your children attended and how they had to take their shoes off to count to ten. Ah, sweet destiny! Sweet land of opportunity! |
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Regimental Ties of the NVA
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Confused about what to give the funky vet in your life? I mean, how many grenade paper weights do we really need? Offered for the first time in this country: Regimental Ties of the NVA. Imagine his surprise as he opens that thin box and sees colors that he hasn't seen since his position was overrun and his friends killed. You send us the places he was and we will "suggest" several of the units that he might have had contact with. Genuine silk in bold colors, motifs, and designs. F-4s going down in flames, helicopters vanquished, that great ambush tie with its pop-up surprise, and the all-time favorite--the Soviet tank crashing through the gates of the U.S. Embassy! No collection of Viet Nam war memorabilia will be complete without one of these handsome sets. Ask about our local VC unit ties, of much lower quality cloth. If you order now we will include a commemorative copy of Hookers for Ho--a festive compilation of pictures and testimonials of the women who worked the Steam and Cream circuit. Great fun! Look for your man's picture, watch his face light up as you point it out to him. |
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Virtual Monument
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| Weptronics has noted the interest in memorials and the confusion regarding what and for whom they should be erected. In order to be responsive, Weptronics has joined with software vendors in the U.S., and has made significant contacts with the leaders in medical imaging as well as the appropriate offices at DoD. We are pleased to announce VIRTUAL MONUMENT--the cutting edge of memorials to the dead.
Weptronics has donated land and a suitably large, nondescript building (the site is still in the negotiation phase) to house the six supercomputers needed to run the monument. And here is how it is going to work, death fans!
Parents or other SOs will be selected from a randomly generated list, courtesy of H.R. Perot's Episodic Data Systems, and will be flown in for the day on surplus C5As specially outfitted for the purpose. On their arrival at the memorial site, they will be met by a representative of the service in which their son or daughter served at the time of death. If possible they will be met by the original officer or NCO who notified the parents the first time--just an added nice touch. Family members will then be escorted into a viewing room and asked to insert a picture, film, or drawn image of the deceased into the Remembrance Slot. Instantly, through the miracle of modern electronics, a holograph of the deceased will appear and speak to the bereaved. Now, here is the best part... sometime during the conversation, courtesy of the records branch of DoD, the departed will be shot, step on a mine, get hit with an RPG, or burst into flames (if they were a pilot or a tanker)... in color and with full sound, of course. No playback will be allowed--too much like playing God, certain members of the clergy have opined.
Members of particular ethnic, racial or other contrived groups will be able to view their group's Mean Death. A representative member of their group will be killed in some representative manner, so meaningful comparisons can be drawn about the validity of their own son's or daughter's death. |
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INCOMING!
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Invite all your Vietnam-era friends! Have 15 tons of wet sand delivered to your backyard, purchase some old-fashioned E-tools, and you are ready for an evening of fun, fun, fun. Imagine the conversation, think of the sore muscles, visualize your neighbors' outrage as profanity fills the air! But hurry!
Your husband has, unbeknownst to your guests, purchased the Weptronics party kit for the game called INCOMING! Imagine your party-guests' surprise as 105 and 155 HE shells fill the air and explode in a crescendo of cracks and booms! See them fight for the shallow fighting holes, and watch as the laggards who did not fill enough bags are torn to pieces! Can it get any better than this? We at Weptronics like to call it Memory Building. Hurry, these kits are going fast! |
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DEPROS
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| As you looked up the cafeteria line, you noticed him: square shoulders, straight stance, close haircut, and that wonderful imperial jaw line. He looked like a Spartan. As he turned you could see the careless smile, the look of confidence and strength... BLAM! The round came out of the elephant grass and caught Wentworth in the face and threw him into the air. As he fell backwards you could see his lower jaw flopping, flopping. The whiteness of the bone in stark relief to the blood. He didn't live long.... You dropped your tray and, holding back the vomit, you ran to the parking lot. Through the tears you found your way into the car. You cried for a long time, but finally got the car started and made it home. You were lucky that it was dark and late. The other drivers would have surely thought it strange to see a grown man crying, screaming at the top of his lungs, and trying to drive...
Sound familiar? Well, no more plebeian displays of maudlin depression that only serve to embarrass and annoy your loved ones and yourself. Weptronics can help! Through the miracle of Black Hole Technology and advanced miniaturization, Weptronics unveils its new helping product, DEPROS. Here's how it works....
You feel that curtain of malaise starting to descend, feel yourself slipping into darkness. You reach into your Land's End case and take out your DEPROS egg. Crank in your start and finish times, flip the switch, and settle back. All of a sudden, you note that all wave-form energy is being sucked into the patented DEPROS orifice. It is getting dark. Really dark. Alpha, Beta, Epsi-lon waves, light, heat, and anything else that leaps the ether is sucked in. You've programmed the level of depression that you can stand--from mild "blues" to clinical "Prozac please" depression, it's all yours to experience. Soon, though, it starts to become light--intense, bright, white, throbbing light, and you hear the voices: "It will be okay.... There, there, think of all you have to live for, think of the children...." and that all-time favorite, "It wasn't your fault." Music of your choice begins to play if you have purchased the Music Module. You will come out of it in style.
Now, for the first time, pick your funk, take your SOs with you. Never again will your partner say, "I wish I could share the pain." Suffer often, suffer when you want to, suffer with friends. You are in control. |
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Freeze-Dry Your Spouse
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For those women who have taken care of a Viet Nam vet for lo these many years... As these vets grow older and the danger of them dying becomes very real, certain problems arise. Ladies, if you thought that the largesse of a grateful nation was inadequate for the pain and suffering that you and your family have had to endure, just wait until you are the widow of a vet. Genteel poverty will take on a new meaning.
Yes... you guessed it! Weptronics Amalgamated, in conjunction with Fluffy Freeze Dry, is here to help. For a modest fee, on the death of your spouse (or if he doesn't move a lot on his couch) we will freeze-dry him or her and fit the deceased vet with the latest in cybernetic robotics. When you have to take your partner to those demeaning VA benefit hearings, he or she will really say, "Pain? Pain? Let me tell you about pain!" or the ever popular, "I remember when... [fill in blank]." When you get home, just unplug Roscoe and wait for the checks to roll in. Batteries not included. |
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The Nova Plan
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| Tired? Life just another series of meaningless exercises? Perhaps it is time you took stock and looked over your options. Remember that for most of us it is going to be a slow slide into the memory closet, abuse by our SOs, and getting ripped off by a rapacious economic system. The Vikings knew... and so does Weptronics! We care! Sign up for our Nova Plan and you can check out in style!
For example, if you were a fighter pilot we will strap you into a surplus model of your favorite plane and shoot you into the stratosphere. At the touch of a button (perhaps pressed by a Significant Other), you will simply blow up. Gone. Fini. Just a memory. Tankers, think of the possibilities-- fried by your favorite munition! Engineers--cut the wrong wire ("boom, sir"). You get the idea....
No more boxes in the ground. Opt for style, power, and give your SO a sense of pride. For an additional fee, we will consider strapping in the SO of your choice, a nice way to pay old debts.
Cheap at any price.... |
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"Persona" Implant &
Active Memory Chip
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You wake up and feel like you've been glued to those sheets. You do change your sheets, don't you? You stumble to the bathroom, void the rat, look in the mirror before you sit down on the throne, and the 100-yard stare slowly glazes over the bloodshot eyes. Who the hell is that in the mirror? It can't be you... but who in the hell are you? Panic sets in. You realize that the cells that take care of long term memory have taken a hit from a 144 rocket and most likely will not be on-line for a while. Weptronics can help!
The new transdermal "Persona" Implant and Active Memory Chip will solve your problems. Call our handy 800 number, in the old SAC building in Omaha, and request the Persona Memory Package. The next day, UPS will deliver our Memory Minder and Personality Delimeter Questionnaire. Take a couple of hours to fill out the form and tell us who you have been, who you think you are, and who you would like to be. Don't be bashful--all experience is grist for the mill. Put it all down, all of it... all of it.
We'll score it and, using the latest in Chaos theory, come up with a proximate self. The "Almost You," we like to call it. We put it on a transdermally loadable applicator. You take it out of its box, cock it, and hold it to your head, and pull the applicator "trigger." You will hear a soft "snick" as the chip slides under your scalp and finds its way to your higher cognitive centers... if any are left after your dissolute life. Making its connections automatically and quietly, the "Almost You" goes to work. It compares the many possible "Yous" with with who you should be and resolves all conflicts. Now when you get up after a night of 'mares and debauchery, you can plug in the Persona Chip and you will always know who you should be. Order now.... [Note: Rumors of power source failure and total memory erasure are unfounded.] |
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Probie
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| We announce, slightly ahead of its scheduled release date, our new 16- megabyte digitizing sensory converter, the Probie. Slip the ultra-thin sensing membrane over your right index finger. If you are missing that one, well, pick one you like. Insert the True Tone earpiece into a working ear and turn on the Digi-Brain signal demodulator. Go to the Viet Nam Memorial Wall and run your finger over a name, B-R-O-W-N,which will be spelled out for you in ultra clear Simudrogenic speech. No more slurring, no more flannel mouth, and no more crass regionalisms. Cry and drop your burden at the right name and the right panel. Weptronics senses that there are lots of techno-weenies out there thinking, "Where else can I stick my Probie?" |
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Referman
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You're telling your favorite story about that time in Dak To when the 49th Armored NVA Division brought out the small Soviet amphibious tank. You note that the bullshit light has gone on in your listeners' eyes. You are crushed! Even though age and various hydrocarbon fluids have decimated your cerebral cortex, you clearly remember the whine of those engines and the screams of the 'Yards as they were turned into paddy pizza. Help is on its way!
REFERMAN--A new, exciting service from Weptronics. Through the magic of computer technology and high-speed communications you can now validate your story and, as an interesting side benefit, your life. Let's play that scenario again: the walk, the story, the bullshit light, that sinking feeling... but, look! there! the man with the orange triangle on his back! You and your friends snag the Weptronics REFERMAN and you recount your tale as he busily types into the portable touch-screen terminal. Almost instantly the answer comes back: you not only confirm that the NVA unit had tanks at that time, you get serial numbers, commanders' names, and a high-resolution photograph of the gunner in the lead tank! How is that for validation? "What is the cost?" you ask. Your first born? A second mortgage from Mr. Cash? Let's just say you can't afford to be without this service. We'll work it out. We are here to help. So next Veterans Day, as you stroll the walks of the Mall and the grounds of the Memorial spinning your tales, recounting your boyhood terrors and indiscretions, look for REFERMAN men and women with the orange triangle on their back and the "infoport" terminals on their front. We can help! |
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The Christmas Record
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| Through special arrangement with Argus Records, we again are pleased to offer that hit Christmas record, Grunts, Mumbles, and Shouts. Recorded live in the streets of North America, this is a wonderful collection of sounds from the Vietnam vets we all love to avoid. Picture this... You're in a hurry to get to your Volvo but, as you step into the street, a pale smell of a man brushes by, mumbling under his breath. By the time you have reached for your eelskin wallet, he is gone. What did he say? Who was he? What did he want? You will never know. Scenes like this and others are repeated daily in the streets of America. Shouts of confusion, screams of pain, mumbles of distress--all echo and slide into silence in a country that no longer hears, nor has the capacity nor will to tune in. We have recorded these men and women and, through the miracle of computer technology and DAT, we can now bring you the Sounds of the Forgotten. Hear the Colonel of Port Authority and his rousing, "They Are Coming To Get Us All!" speech. Thrill to the sound of those fun, crazy Lurps as they ask the musical question, "Why did you leave me, Mother F----?" And who can forget the Feral Vets of Hawaii and their rousing tone-poem, "I Hear the Helicopters A-Coming, Mama." Hours and hours of Vietnam vets and their largely ignored sounds, which grow dimmer, quieter, and somehow less relevant every year. Buy several, you must have some friends! Well, don't you? |
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"What If?" Nostalgia Guides
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Weptronics proudly announces the publication of the first volume of its "What If?" Nostalgia Guides. Through the modern and timely miracle of Hawking TimeWarp technology, Weptronics can identify, with a 99% certainty, what your life would have been like had you not gone to war in Viet Nam. We will show you where you would have finished school, what profession you would have gone into, and, most importantly, who you would have married. Would you have married Sally? You remember... the one that wouldn't put out before you left.... She and your friend John.... Well, do we have to go into detail? (Better yet, we have pictures. Yes, for the first time you can compare what your life might have been and what it is now: dollars, social status, children, and who you might have been. It's all there. Now you will know who took that high paying job in the textile mill while you now tighten lug nuts at Mr. Tire. Boy will you be surprised. Hurry, for we only have a few of these wonderful volumes available. You need this on your brick and board book case right next to The Reconciliation Speeches of Henry Kissinger. |
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